Today is such a crappy day. i feel like the whole world is pushing againts me, and im just slowly tipping over while a wave of bull-shit rushes over me, trying to slam me to the ground. AUG!!!!!! i seriously im so hurt. isn't the famous saying "friends come and go, but family always stays" today feels completly opposite.
i have a pounding headach, a baby screaming in his bed, and im full of all these emotions i cant explain. why is it when things just start getting good, something smacks you down, right back on your ass. i need a vaction. i need to get away. i want to shave my head so i have one less thing to worry about. i want to wear a pretty dress so i feel good inside, again. i need to lose weight. i want to feel happy. and to feel like i make my husband happy too.
Remmi is still crying and i dont know how to make him stop. he needs to sleep, but he wont. and its seriously giving me a headach.
today was suppost to such a great day. then i get on FB, and find two comments from two different family members. both saying things so rude that i just sat there and cried. how can someone you see almost everyday, say such harsh things? when i clearly already know what there saying is true. do i come across to then as dumb, and they think they need to tell me i "have it good".... living at your parents house with your husband and son, because your so poor that you can afford anything, isnt "having it good".
People dont know how bad i feel. how stupid i feel going to church, and feeling everyones eyes on me and my small family. what are they thinking? do i really want to know? sometimes i feel i should stop going, let them "win" let them keeping thinking what they want about me. but then i realise "i have a family who loves me, who will do anything for me, and who doesnt care what other people think about me"....then i see these comments... how do i go on?...how do i continue to put on my "brave face" and try to go through the rest of my day?
Sometimes i feel like this is all one big dream. and that when i wake up, ill feel great. ill get dressed. fit in my size 5's and go to school then straight to my job afterwards. then ill come home eat dinner and read a book and fall asleep in my bed ,alone....... but then my dreams end and i wake up. theres a man snoring next to me, and baby crying in the room next to mine. and i laugh at myself for thinking such absrud things could ever be true. im a young mother, and its hard. i love my little family with everything that im made of. and i would do anything for them. but days like this, make me feel like i want to curl up in a small ball and die. let someone else deal with my problems for awhile.
i need a vaction.
i need a break. and im ashamed to admit that.
You don't need to be ashamed to admit that you need a break! We all need breaks! I'm sorry that today is a crappy day. If I were in st George I would take your baby for the afternoon to give you a little mini vacation so you could curl up with a good book and a Popsicle. Remember that no one in this church is perfect, except our older brother. He knows what it feels like to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and judged. Turn to him. "come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest." he is the key to finding happiness. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for being the strong, determined, beautiful, inspiring woman that you are. :)
carly :( this makes me so sad. i think you are inredible. and like lex said, i would seriously be more than happy to take remmi for the day! this next week i work nights so i have free days! let me know :) love you!
ReplyDeleteCar, your the strongest women I know.
ReplyDeleteIt seriously frustrates me so much how judgmental people can be. Especially when in our religion we are supposed to accepting of others and love everyone equally. I have always tried to do this in my own life, and I wish that other church members would do the same. People have no right to judge until they have seen and gone through the same exact trials that you have. Everyone makes mistakes, but what matters is how you handle them. You seriously are so strong to be able to handle all that life has thrown at you, and I honestly look up to you for it.
ReplyDeleteI honestly believe that everything that happens in life, happens for a reason. God knows our strength and will never push us past our ability to cope with things.
Hang in there girl! I probably can't help much with getting you a vacation from things because I live so fracking far away.. but you could always come for a visit? haha Anyway, let me know if you ever need to talk. I know we're not the closest of friends, but just ask anyone. I'm a great listener. :) haha Love ya girl!