I feel like it sometimes, and i think that i should go see a therapist or something, so i could talk about my feelings, and get everything out that I think needs to be said. I think about the past a lot, especially when something doesn’t go right during my day. This is pretty often. I think about high school, if i would have put myself out there more, would i have had friends? Would i have been popular? I should have joined the track team. I’m a good runner; i had a 6 min. mile. (Of course not anymore) would i have gotten back together with Tyson... i hope not. Then i think, how would have my past year, if i had not gotten pregnant, turned out? How different i would be. What type of person i would have become?
I know that having a baby so young really affected the outcome of my life. i am slowly excepting that. But some days it feels harder than others. I wish i could just enroll in college, go to dorm parties, and hang out with my "friends" till all hours of the night. But i can’t. What makes these feelings hurt even more, is knowing that i took down Tanner with me. I took away the life he could have had. The mission he could have served. And that is the hardest thing to except.
i know tanner loves me, and cares about me, but sometimes i honestly worry that we won’t make it. It’s hard to say and even harder to type for the world to read (and by world i mean those 3 people) who knows if he would have wanted to marry me, because he WANTED to. Not because we were having a baby. I know that’s not why he married me, and I’m not accusing him of it at all. But i ask him questions all the time and i know i shouldn’t, but i do. And last night i got an answer i wasn’t expecting to hear at all.
i asked him, " Tanner, if we wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, where do you think you would be right now?"
To this he replied, "honestly...probably with Phillip." to all of you who don’t know who Phillip is, its tanner best friends since he was... 9? They do EVERYTHING together. And there pretty much the same person. Phillip decided to take his first school year of college off and to go to Hawaii.
That was Tanners dream! To bum it on the beach. No joke. Well... not dream, but something he has always wanted to do. And i know i got that answer because i asked, but i did not want to hear THAT. Tanner knows that he wanted to go on a mission, he's mom drilled it into him ever since he was like 4 that when boys turn 19 they go on a mission, come home, go to college, THEN get married in the temple and have babies; hence why she hates me. But that’s a different story. But i single handedly took that dream away from him. I turned his world, and mine upside down.
We talk about getting sealed this year a lot. But sometimes, i know this sounds bad, i don’t think we should. It’s not that we're unworthy, because we don’t drink, smoke, nothing. We are worthy people now to go through the temple. (Well in October we will be) but that’s a BIG decision to make. I love Tanner. And I love Remmington, with all of my heart and soul I love them, but I don’t know if I can. You don’t need to comment on how terrible that is, because I already know. And it’s not that I have “commitment issues” Because I am married, and I love one man and one man and only,
but that is such a big step to make.
I wish i really did have friends. I don’t know who will read this, and I don’t mean to offend anyone. But, Amy, she moved away, to start her life and to experience new things. And I am genially happy for her.
Katie, you stopped talking to me after I told you that I was pregnant. Best friends since 6th grade, and I get the cold shoulder? Right on.
Kiri, I love you to death girl, and you know it. We have gotten so close to each other but I feel like we’re in different spots in our lives each isn’t a bad thing, but I feel like we are just growing apart.
Karly, we go back to 10th grade, on SCHS Dance Company. You made it so fun girl, and yeah we hang out every so often, but we are just…so different, in all the best ways, it’s a shame we don’t hang out anymore.
Not to mention all the guy friends I had. Which I don’t anymoreJ which I’m fine with, by all means. But I seriously have no girlfriends. And all the girls who I knew in high school who got pregnant the same time I did are still in high school!! And aren’t married and live with their boyfriends, who are such pricks! And I do not connect with them at all.
Tanner is my best friend and I am his, but I need a girlfriend, there are still certain things I can’t talk about with Tanner that I could with a girl. And all the women in my “young married couple ward” are all at least 6 years older than Tanner and I. I just feel so alone and so disconnected with the world, and even my own family. I just feel like I do not belong. And it’s the worst feeling in the world.
I'm not depressed, but sometimes, i sure feel like it.
Oh honey, reading this makes me so sad. I wish so badly that I could live down there and be the girlfriend that you need. I know we are in completely different places in our lives, but I think that we could be good friends if given the opportunity. I need a girlfriend right now too, a drama free girlfriend :) You are such a strong and amazing girl! You will get through this trial in your life. Stay strong. If you ever need anything, let me know. I know I am a state away, but I would be glad to listen!
ReplyDeleteCarly Rae Thayer Mitchell. I have known you since the 7th grade and loved you every minute. You've been my rock when i need you and i may be 1600 miles away but i can be that rock for you. You are the strongest person i know and you've taught me so much. You've made it through 20 lifetimes of struggles it seems, but each one makes you stronger. One's Faith is measured by one's trials. God knows what's best for you. Everything happens for a reason. It may be the most important and the most difficult thing to remember. I love you. Call me.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you, but I feel your pain. (kind of, not completely though). My husband and I are younger than the people in our "young married ward" by like 6 years. I just transfered colleges and honestly have 0 friends now. i love my husband to death, but this is just a new transition in my life i'm not used to yet. (We've only been married for 3 weeks). Don't feel bad about the temple! It really is a huge step that can be really scary. i was terrified. Don't rush into it. If you don't feel ready, then don't force yourself to be. Just prepare and stay worthy so that when you feel ready to go, you can. (: I love your blog and I think you are great! Best of luck with everything!
ReplyDeleteIt's alright to allow yourself to feel this way. You are doing the hardest job EVER! You should be allowed to not like it sometimes, wish you were somewhere else, and go to your happy place. If we weren't allowed that, then I would be in BIG trouble. Did you know that neither of our girls were planned? I wasn't ready to be a mom when I got the job. And there are some times, three years into this, that I wish it were just Ryan and me. I think it would have been fun to connect with him more, one on one instead of four. So it is understandable that you would feel lonely and maybe yearn for something different. You are allowed that. But once you are done, heave a sigh and get back to work as there will come a day I'm sure that you will look back and miss this time in your life. That always seems to be the case. You are strong Carly, I know you can do it. If you feel lonely, keep talking; it sounds like there are more than just three of us that would love to hear you and help in any way we can... and it'll be cheaper than a therapist. I love you.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Boys are too candid and will give answers without filtering them first to see if they will hurt your feelings, the sweet little turkeys can't help it. It may be VERY tempting, but I've found that it will help you if you only ask him questions that you know you wont mind a bad answer to. Sometimes, the image we have of them in our minds is more fun and romantic than the truth. Just saying.