....

Today is such a crappy day. i feel like the whole world is pushing againts me, and im just slowly tipping over while a wave of bull-shit rushes over me, trying to slam me to the ground. AUG!!!!!! i seriously im so hurt. isn't  the famous saying "friends come and go, but family always stays" today feels completly opposite.

i have a pounding headach, a baby screaming in his bed, and im full of all these emotions i cant explain. why is  it when things just start getting good, something smacks you down, right back on your ass. i need a vaction. i need to get away. i want to shave my head so i have one less thing to worry about. i want to wear a pretty dress so i feel good inside, again. i need to lose weight. i want to feel happy. and to feel like i make my husband happy too.

Remmi is still crying and i dont know how to make him stop. he needs to sleep, but he wont. and its seriously giving me a headach.

today was suppost to such a great day. then i get on FB, and find two comments from two different family members. both saying things so rude that i  just sat there and cried. how can someone you see almost everyday, say such harsh things? when i clearly already know what there saying is true. do i come across to then as dumb, and they think they need to tell me i "have it good".... living at your parents house with your husband and son, because your so poor that you can afford anything, isnt "having it good".

People dont know how bad i feel. how stupid i feel going to church, and feeling everyones eyes on me and my small family. what are they thinking? do i really want to know? sometimes i feel i should stop going, let them "win" let them keeping thinking what they want about me. but then i realise "i have a family who loves me, who will do anything for me, and who doesnt care what other people think about me"....then i see these comments... how do i go on?...how do i continue to put on my "brave face" and try to go through the rest of my day?

Sometimes i feel like this is all one big dream. and that when i wake up, ill feel great. ill get dressed. fit in my size 5's and go to school then straight to my job afterwards. then ill come home eat dinner and read a book and fall asleep in my bed ,alone....... but then my dreams end and i wake up. theres a man snoring next to me, and baby crying in the room next to mine. and i laugh at myself for thinking such absrud things could ever be true. im a young mother, and its hard. i love my little family with everything  that im made of. and i would do anything for them. but days like this, make me feel like i want to curl up in a small ball and die. let someone else deal with my problems for awhile.

i need a vaction.

i need a break. and im ashamed to admit that.